5 Mistakes That Changed My Life

It is fascinating to me what an ambivalent role mistakes have in our lives.

On the one hand we seem to come into the world wired for making mistakes and learning from them - you just need to watch a toddler experimenting with the world around her, trying to take her first steps and falling over and over and over again until she finally succeeds. If toddlers weren't willing to make mistakes, they might never learn to walk on two feet, keep their fingers away from hot stoves and stop torturing the house cat by incessantly pulling its tail.

On the other hand, once we get into the schooling system, mistakes seem to take on a new meaning altogether. Instead of embracing them as stepping stones for personal growth, we are being taught to avoid them at all costs. Children are rewarded not for how much they experiment and learn, but by how few mistakes they make - the fewer the better.

Later on in life things don't get better either. Work, at least in the corporate environment, is but a continuation of school in the sense that mistakes are strongly discouraged and their absence is rewarded. In our personal lives too, we are expected to conform and do "the right" thing, whatever that may be, according to the expectations of our families, friends, or of the society we live in. If success is measured by how many things you have - then we are expected to get good jobs, buy houses, cars and other material indicators of personal success, all the while making as few mistakes as possible.

Thus, years later, we end up being caught in this suffocating web of social norms that, more often than not, come against our innate predispositions. So, what are we to do then?

My revelation was that whenever my life took an extraordinary turn for the better, it was after I had done some sort of serious mistake, not after I had done everything "right". Thus I have come to reflect on the crucial role mistakes seem to have in our lives - at least they had in mine!

I decided to look at my life so far in hindsight, connecting the dots and trying to figure out what were the mistakes that took me one step closer to my authentic self. And here they are:

1. Almost getting a "B" for "conduct in school" when I was 12

Yes, this is a childhood mistake that changed my life. "Conduct in school" is not an academic discipline, but the mark children (in Romania at least) get for discipline in school. You know, common sense things - like not beating up your classmates, not talking back to your teachers and other rules that ensure school (dull as it may be) doesn't turn into chaos. Everyone got an "A" in "Conduct" - whoever didn't was really regarded as a problem kid.

Well, I never talked back to my teachers - in fact apparently they really loved me because I was one of those pupils who made very few academic mistakes (a mark of success in the education system!). However, I did beat up some of the other children in those years, and, as a hyper-competitive kid (another mark of successful academic children, sadly) thought it was ok to be rude to my classmates, especially those who weren't as successful academically as I was.

So my teacher decided to teach me a lesson and knew exactly what "buttons" to push - my ego and my image in front of my peers would have been forever tarnished had I gotten that infamous "B" in "Conduct" (well deserved, I might add). In the end, I didn't get it, just because the teacher decided this should be a democratic decision and got my classmates to vote on this (definitely one of the most humiliating moments of my life). Luckily for me, they were so generous as to forgive my transgressions and decided I hadn't offended them so much as to deserve the dreaded "B".

However, this apparently trivial childhood mistake changed the course of my life. Because, believe it or not, that is when I first realized that other people matter. That my selfish ego was not the most important thing in the world. That is when I realized that everyone is special - after all it was the very classmates I had annoyed and often offended with my behavior that had given me a lesson in generosity and tolerance. For the first time, I understood I had to learn to behave differently.

It was then that I read Dale Carnegie's classic book - "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and first learned about the importance of listening, of understanding others' points of view. That moment made me who I am today.

That teacher gave me the most extraordinary gift - my fascination with people's minds, starting with a fascination for my own mind. She offered me the opportunity for my first serious exercise in introspection. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I decided to become more of the good person I believed myself to be. I still work on that every day. And I'm happy to say I've come a long way.

2. Falling in love with the wrong person

Almost everyone I know can count a similar mistake among their own "life changing" decisions. In my case it was a mistake that I don't really think I could have avoided. And I'm almost sure I wouldn't have wanted to.

The end result of that mistake was a lot of pain, as might be expected. The other end result is twofold - resilience and wisdom. I realized then that, in the darkest of moments, people find strength and resources they didn't even know they had.

Also, for the first time in my life, after that ill-fated relationship, I got a glimpse of what wisdom might really be. It is still something I am learning incessantly, and I'm convinced I'm still many mistakes away from the moment when I am truly wise (should that moment ever come). However, that love and loss moment was definitely a turning point towards more wisdom in my life.

3. My fist entrepreneurial attempt

After my first contact with the corporate world I realized I was meant to do something different. I felt I was not meant to function well in a system, that I needed to be free.

Unfortunately, I hadn't yet figured out what to do with that freedom that I longed for, and I decided, as many naive first time entrepreneurs do, that being my own boss is better than any other professional arrangement, regardless of the business I might be in. So I invested in my own little business - a restaurant, which took all my financial resources at the time (and some that I didn't really have).

As it turned out, financial independence and personal freedom are good reasons, but not enough, to start and build a successful business. I soon found that there was no joy for me in the restaurant business.  I simply didn't enjoy being in the business of feeding people (I now know that, had I had a passion for the business, I would never even have thought of it as "feeding people", but as something more fascinating, like "offering a moment of joy". Sadly, to me it felt like "feeding people"). I definitely enjoyed working with people's minds (which I had started to do on a regular basis, working as a freelance trainer while managing my small restaurant), but putting food on their plates was not really my idea of "connecting" with others.

I ended up selling the restaurant and it gives me joy to know it still exists, under the same name, and functions with a significant part of the team I had assembled. In the end it became a success, in the hands of someone who really loves the restaurant business and does a great job at it too!

How did my life change for the better after this experience? Well, it did change, in many ways.

That half-failed entrepreneurial adventure gave me the temporary freedom to start working as a freelance trainer - which finally became my full time job and life vocation.

I had a chance to manage a team I was truly, fully responsible for (I had managed teams before, but as an employee myself - managing a team as an entrepreneur is a completely different experience). It was up to me to ensure my team had their salaries at the end of the month. And their children and spouses didn't care if the business had a bad month! To say this was tremendous learning experience would be an understatement!

I lived through all the joys and sorrows of entrepreneurship - helping a seemingly hopeless employee tap into his extraordinary potential and transform into a real wonder and, the reverse, firing a person who had made the same mistakes too many times (I'll add a word on "too many mistakes" in a minute). I've lived the disappointments of dealing with absurd bureaucracy and abusive authorities who were suffocating small businesses and the exhilaration of receiving praise and recommendations from happy customers. I delivered packed lunches to corporate buildings and got tipped by loyal customers who had no idea I wasn't really the "delivery girl". I waited at tables and helped in the kitchen. And I got to know some wonderful people, who are still my friends to this day.

Last, but definitely not least, I am grateful for this particular mistake because it helped me understand what I truly want to do with my life. Entrepreneurship was still the path for me, but not any kind of entrepreneurship. I realized that one can't go into business just for the money and the freedom - there has to be passion for business to work. And I took this lesson with me on my second entrepreneurial adventure!

4. My (hopefully) last experience as a corporate employee

A few years had passed since my previous corporate experience. I had lived a lot, learned a lot and worked with many corporations (as an external consultant). I decided to give corporate world a second chance. Apparently I hadn't learned my lesson well enough.

After this experience I have deep respect for people who choose to dedicate their careers to an organization. I met some wonderful people in the company I worked for, people whom I am proud to call my friends. I realized that a workplace is as good or bad as the people working there make it and I also learned that we are really free to choose, provided we overcome our fears. I discovered that some of the most important decisions of our lives are also the hardest, and that every big decision comes with a price. In my case, the price was the safety and the financial security a large organization provided, which I decided to give up for something that was more important to me.

What was my big decision? I decided who I was and what I was going to dedicate my life to. And for that I will forever be grateful. I chose to follow my dream of being an entrepreneur. But this time with a twist.

This time I started a business out of passion, not for the money. And suddenly entrepreneurship took on a completely different meaning. I now know why I get up in the morning. And say a heartfelt THANK YOU for that every day!

5. All mistakes to come

The 5th mistake is not really a mistake yet. I have a feeling it will come, although I cannot yet articulate it.

How do I know there will surely be a 5th life changing mistake? Simply, I am convinced my life will get better and I will keep on evolving as a person - therefore another mistake to prompt further change for the better is inevitable.

I saved this 5th point for all mistakes to come, as I have come to treasure them already. I know they will make me a better, wiser person, they will bring me new friends to cherish and new experiences to learn from. Therefore I feel I need to pay them respect.

Looking back on my own mistakes, I have no doubt in my mind they hold the promise of growth for each and every one of us. However, I feel a warning is in order. I also think mistakes lose their magic if we fail to learn from them. One mistake is necessary, the second one might be in order sometimes, but repeating the same mistake over and over again will do nothing but throw us in a spiral of self -delusion and, perhaps, ultimately, self-destruction (I can't help but think of the troubled singer Amy Winehouse who lost her life to her own mistakes just the other day).

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This being said, I invite you to quit trying to be perfect. I am sure you are absolutely beautiful in your own imperfection! I hope you start looking at your own mistakes in a different light, stop seeing them as setbacks and start regarding them as stepping stones in your own path to self-actualization. Instead of avoiding them at all costs you might simply try to follow the sign on the right...

What are the mistakes that changed YOUR life?

I would be honored if you chose to share them.